Sitting in the backseat of my dad\u2019s Toyota Corolla, I lean my head up against the window,
looking at the flurry of highway signs go by as I mentally try to group the letters of each word. Any word I can make out, I try to set into three. BOS-TON. Great. STA-TIO-N. That\u2019s no good. We need to look for more. We need to start over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Or when I would stand and pace about in my childhood bedroom, desperately trying to turn off a light switch the \u201cright\u201d way (is there really a correct method?) or else I couldn\u2019t go to sleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As an eight-year-old I didn\u2019t understand the term obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). To be fair, there were a lot of things I had yet to understand at that age \u2014 why my dad moved almost four hours away after a divorce, or how I got to celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas. Yet, nearly 14 years later, I still feel as if I\u2019m a kid, looking for those three-letter groupings on highway signs or the need to shut off a light in a calculated fashion (it can be done, I promise).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In a way, it was comforting to have these compulsions, especially as I fit nicely into a category of children who experienced change at a young age. I was the eldest daughter. My dad had moved away. I had to grow up relatively fast.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For a while I just shrugged them off as habits. While compulsions and habits are quite similar as they both are repetitive behaviors, compulsions serve a different purpose. Compulsions can include consistent handwashing or checking on things \u2014 in my case counting letters in words \u2014 to offset obsessive thought patterns. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is the \u201cobsession\u201d part of OCD. It\u2019s more of an invisible issue where phrases, fears or intrusive thoughts replay in your mind. I always thought it was normal to think that something \u201cbad\u201d would happen to me if I didn\u2019t touch a doorknob, a light switch or some random handle a certain way. Almost as if I would be cursed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
With OCD, it\u2019s a cycle: a thought pops up, typically an intrusive one, which creates anxiety,
leading to a behavior to grant temporary relief. Despite the silent nature of distressing thoughts and even repetitive behaviors that result from OCD, they can significantly interfere with a person\u2019s daily interactions with others. In my case, if I couldn’t say goodnight to my sister first, I was hesitant to go to bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
OCD can also hobble individuals to a point where medication is necessary. I have never taken any kind of medication for OCD, but I\u2019ve reflected a lot over the last few years about the stigma that disorders such as OCD can receive, and how social platforms such as TikTok can promote this stigma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ironically, I found community in an online space such as TikTok, as I had grown to despise the app for influencing a rise in OCD misconceptions. I started following Alegra Kastens<\/a>, a New York-based therapist who specializes in patients with OCD. A few months ago, I viewed a video of her talking about how intrusive thoughts are common with OCD, and I felt heard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I would spend hours through forums, like r\/OCD, and to this day still see phrases such as “OCD is ruining my career”<\/a> and “Has OCD ruined anyone else\u2019s relationships in the past?\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n